I wasn’t that long ago but
frankly ... Meh!.
When you haven’t seen someone for
some time and they release you have crossed an age milestone there are the
obligatory questions on your state of mind and life status, now that you are so
and so age. My most frequent responses have been glib.
“You know how it is, getting older and all. More responsibility, life
passing by. I’m so happy to be this age at this time in history. Life has so
much opportunity for change and growth. It’s wonderful.”
I can read the looks on faces
when I respond. Giving no information, particularly to persons simply maccoing
is not what many want to hear, but I have no great insight to give.
I turned
30. It was a good year but nothing resonated in my soul. No special
revelations, not grown breaking findings even though I actively engaged with the world.
During my 31st year
alive, I took the time to really think about the concept of the importance of
turning 30. I used my work trip (to a beautiful island) to do some soul searching. My needs were
attended to, I had a driver and my presence was only ceremonial so I disengaged my brain and tried to reconnect with me. I planned to reflect, meditate/pray and journal about being 30. I
ended up with lots of doodles of the flowers in my room and lots of rest from
getting into a comfortable position to think and then falling asleep.
“Maybe I’m too close to it to be reasonably capable of reflection”
I remember attempting to
make that 30 special. I christened the year 'Hustle and Thrive' and that I
did. Also one of my closest friends got married and I spent most of the year happy
that she was happy and stressed because I could not find the right colour
feathers for her bouquet. I watched as persons I know celebrated in big ways.
Major trips and major lifestyle changes and all the Facebook posts about
balance and improvement to boot.
I cut off my hair again.
But in sharing my reflection with my partner, he said cutting off my hair doesn't count cause I do that ever 2 years.
30 was supposed to be a big deal
and perhaps I'm the exception. I wanted
to feel grown up in my soul the way I did when I turn 25 and 26. I remember
having dinner with a friend after we turned 25 and feeling older: not out of
touch, just not as young and I felt 26 in my body but I didn’t feel adult.
30 came as a gentle breeze when I
was expecting a gale force winds. I keep wondering if I maybe on some level I
haven’t come to terms with being older. Or maybe my old soul distorts my sense
of time and I’m experiencing my mid 30’s malaise early.
Another birthday is months away
and I am making a commitment to being mindful and continuing on this journey to
and through adulthood.
Hopefully I will feel adult enough
today to stop procrastinating and do the laundry.
